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Live Wire #5 // Waiting

You can read this transmission or you can listen to it for added impact. There is a rhythm, an acoustic element to my words, so Click here for the full shebang. Plus, I'm cute.

I don’t feel like recording this. I didn’t feel like writing today. I’m feeling like allergies are kicking my butt & I just want to be quiet.

But that’s not why I’m here. There can always be an excuse. A push back. A ‘let’s wait another day’. I’m reminded today that even in my discomfort, or actually especially in my discomfort, I still have something to say. I still have to say something.

Being sick is a perspective shift. A rude awakening when you’re knocked down. Your plans derailed. When we’re sick, we finally slow down. This morning I sat in bed & listened to the bird sing outside my window. That’s it. She felt like a companion when I didn’t have the energy to rise.

I think about those who are truly sick. Who won’t get better or who may never rise again. And what must go through their minds. The urgency they must feel. To do all the things they didn’t do. To take back the things they did. All the silence. All the space that arises when you’re knocked down. When you can’t get back up. When you know you’re on the way out.

But aren’t we all already?

We know that anything could happen. We could lose someone we love or our own life in an instant. We could get a test result that changes everything. Who’s to say this isn’t the end of your life right now?

What are we waiting for?

My mom died when she was 43 years old. 43, guys. That’s not that far off for me. She had just found her passion, too. She had become a homeopath, a healer. She had found her thing. Her calling. And then she had to stop. Before it could get really good.

My friend Dave died when he was 66. I was a hospice volunteer and sat with him each week for about 4 months. He did not want to go. He wasn’t done yet. There were so many things he regretted. Not being there more for his family. Not taking care of himself. But when you’re really down, there’s not so much you can do anymore to change things. It becomes too late.

And if we know this. If we see this happen over and over. Why do we not live differently now? What are we waiting for?

I’m really called to hospice work. Helping people accept the choices they’ve made. Work through their fears of death and say goodbye at peace. But there’s something that breaks my heart to pieces about waiting that long to do these things. We’re all dying. What if we were the person we wanted to be now instead of waiting until our death bed.

My mom finally understood that she was a healer. And she never got to be that.

When I asked Dave what he had on his bucket list, he told me that he had always always wanted, since he was a little kid, to own a pair of bright orange overalls with a bright yellow hat. That’s it. We tried to get him those things. But we didn’t have enough time and he never got to wear them.

The simplest thing. He never got to do.

Everyone’s bucket list, everyone’s purpose is going to look different. But why didn’t he just get the damn overalls when he could? He was probably scared to get made fun of if he actually wore what he wanted to wear. That’s not a janitor’s uniform. That’s a bold statement, that outfit. It’s bananas. But that’s all his heart wanted at the end of his life. To step out into the world as himself, wacky, bright, bold, confident. He hid that part of himself away for like 6 decades.

Why? Why do we give a shit what people are gonna say. Why do we wait to be who we want to be.

To be on the verge of death. And only then to realize it’s too late to be who you are. I don’t wish it for anyone.

It’s like I want to deliver end of life care & compassion & support through my work….but now. Let’s do these things now. Let’s be these people now. Let’s deal with our shit now. Let’s take a stand now. Let’s change things now. Let’s create new systems now.

Who did you come here to be?

True power isn’t having money, isn’t climbing to the top, isn’t competing, isn’t domination. It’s already within you. True power is taking a stand now for who you are, for who you want to be in this lifetime. Instead of backing away, numbing out, or waiting to show up.

At this moment in my life getting ready for another season, at this moment feeling run down and under the weather, I’m so very tired of should’ves. I should’ve done this sooner. I should’ve said I love you. I should’ve told them. I should’ve said something. I should’ve stood up for them. I should’ve stood up for myself. I should’ve worked less. I should’ve lived more.

Take your stand. Speak up. Dig deep. Settle into your body. Or just buy the damn neon orange jumpsuit already.

Dare to step outside as you.

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